My wife Dorothy and I handled conflict. Every marriage has challenges and difficulties. With the differences between the sexes, the demands of children, and managing finances, there is going to be a need to manage stress and the self-protective way we may find ourselves relating to each other. Here are a few principles that we signed on for when we got married.

First, no name calling. If we call each other names we shouldn’t be surprised when that is the kind of behavior that is produced. Be civil in a conflict. Name calling also includes things like, “Well, you’re acting just like your father or mother,” or some other unsavory relative. This is a form of name-calling that can really put the other person under the thumb of judgment.

Second, leave the past out of it. Bringing up the past garbage dumps a pile of resentment that inhibits real communication. Other than revealing certain behavioral patterns, there is nothing that can be done about the past. The issue is in the here and now.

Third, don’t punish the other person with silence. Shunning is the most serious form of self-protection. It’s like wishing the other person was dead or absent. Nothing good comes from this kind of control. Eventually, it drives the other person to a place of desperation and fear. Just because we are feeling afraid doesn’t give us permission to project those feelings on to our spouse.

Fourth, stay focused on the conflict at hand. Don’t get sidetracked into side issues. This is a way of blocking and changing the subject. Let a conflict be about what is central to the disagreement.

Fifth, call a timeout when needed. Dorothy and I gave a T signal with our hands when we needed to step away from the conflict and think about our own feelings, thoughts, attitudes, and intentions. These might be influencing our reactions and doing this sometimes takes a little time apart. Don’t leave the room without setting a time to return and discuss the issue. Reflection is a key element to solving conflict so give each other some space. Do not leave the house and slam the door. This produces fear of abandonment in the person left behind and is a backhanded form of shunning.

Sixth, make decisions that you both agree with. Until a decision is reached that often involves negotiation, don’t make a change or move in a different direction without the full consent of your spouse. Sometimes this takes patience and more discussion, wait for agreement before action.

There are more skills we can use as we move closer to reconciliation and resolution of a conflict. These principles help when the conflict is hot and intense. There are probably others that you might both agree to make part of your conflict contract. You can write these down, and post them on your refrigerator so that you can refer to them when the argument is serious and may escalate. These principles can bind both of you to work through conflict to forgiveness. Remember, there is no intimacy without safety. Our most important task as a Christian is to provide a place of safety where Jesus can abide in our life together.